Busy for a girl out of work

so this may be the longest that I have gone w/o blogging!

Let's see for the past 2 weeks I have been doing some stuff for a business that we are trying to start-I want this to work so bad for my hubby he truly deserves the best--Such a stand up-honest person!

I have been helping out my sister-in-laws mom and tomorrow watching my nieces!

Also tring to get all the tax stuff done- I hate doing my taxes-

Finally have a interview on Friday for job that I don't think is for me but we will see-

Also today Red Sox opening day post-poned until Tuesday-- I am going to the game Thursday! Very exciting!

I have been also having alot of Vertigo issues-blurred vision etc-- I am going to see a neurologist next month! My mom mhad MS so I think for piece of mind to rule it out- I am scared but I also know that I have a damaged inner ear which is causing all of this, but symptoms are so similar how can I not think of it-- I have been just raising my hands up to God and put evrything in his hands- I will be ok-

till next time

Life Can be Good --Right

Woke up this morning and I knew I was in for a tough day! My dad, my hubby and my sister-in-law's mother's husband were going golfing-- I offered to stay with my sister in law's mom who has Cancer and has weeks to live. It was a hard day, alot of crying- you see she feels no pain but she is dying- I mean should she be grateful that she has no pain! Or does it just make it more difficult to understand that she is dying...

She is very confused and sleepy and is so sad to be leaving her grandchildren 4 of them all under 5- it is just heartbreaking. Like I have said before I have been there, sitting with my mom while she lay in bed waiting for the Lord to take her away-

Things like this really make me want to fight this eating disorder which I am doing ok with- No laxatives although I saw a bottle of milk of mag and thought of taking a swig-Now that is the anxiety talking! Why hurt myself when I see what is going on to the others around me-

On another note -- I am picking up more milage running-training for another 1/2 marathon- I want to beat last years time-

Still can not find a job-this really stinks- I used to make great $$$ and could shop every once in a while ---I did go shopping the other day for a couple work out shirts-Whoa hooo-- I do realize that I am lucky-healthy hubby-son-roof over our head-food in the fridge and still have my old smelly 12 year old lab! Life can be good-

What would I do if given death date?

Ok- So still no job and I have so much anxiety today-Or maybe I am just dehydrated ---I have been working out alot-boredom and to reduce stress -

Did some errands with hubby and then gym and went to pick up my son at school-

We passed Nancy's house (she is the one ith Cancer) My son said he would stop by which was so sweet-My sister-in-laws car was there so I called and they were having a bad day! So we went home. My dad came over and talked to him a liitle about how it is bringing back memories of my mom and that I feel like I have paputations--Nerves- I got the same way with my mom!

I couldn't sleep last night, I wonder if she could knowing that she will not be here much longer and to take each minute--I just think she is overwhemed with everything and just so sad and depressed- I am sure we would all like to go in our sleep to spare the pain..but my mom gave the greatest gift I could ever ask- About 10 months before she died I sat down with her and she told me what to write in letters to the people she cared about including me- It was so diifficult but so beautiful-She loved me so much and I will always have that-I do wish that I could see her and hug her I miss her but she was so sick and in pain and I know that she is in a better place, I feel her presennce here and there- From when I was little she would say I might not be able to walk now but when I get to heaven I will dance! When she died the song " I hope you dance" was popular ---I incorporated that into the eulogy I wrote-

What would I do if I knew I did not have along time--

I would also write letters to those I love- Sometimes I catch myself just staring at my husband and or son and just capture those moments! Loving-silly moments and I hope that If I were sick I would think about these moments and just feel happy that I had such great moments in my life- Maybe easier said than done--

Cancer-Why is it everywhere??

So I went to my nephew's 5th birthday party yesterday and I hate to say it but drink were a must- You see my brother's mother-in-law who we all love has weeks maybe a bit more because of friggin Cancer-Why are so many people dying from cancer, it is just so unfair- My mom died of MS-It was a slow death, she had the disease for 30 years and got worse and worse each year- Cancer though seems to really creep up on people. She was going to retire and travel the country and then Cancer- It makes me so mad- So we had some drinks-- I even made one for her! Kahlua and milk-It was sad, no it was just devestating to think that she will never see Joseph's birthday again or any of her other grandchildren-

I hate to say it but I am so afraid to ever be that sick- I have one child and I just can not imagine leaving him-Or to have him go through a parent being sick like I did-I mean it did on one hand make me a better person and on the other screwed me up a bit. As I conquer this eating disorder it really makes me what to be healthy then ever why make my self sick--I need to live a heathy and full life- Work in progress-

Still no job but hubby is doing good-

Say your prayers and live life to the fullest that is all I can say!

I ran 9 miles today!!!

So I went to the gym today--I kind of was thinking that I would run maybe 5-6 miles--Well if you run you know it gets addictive-At 3 miles I was thinking this stinks "not really feeling it today" but then the rush came in and got to 4 then to 5
and then 6-- I was almost thinking let's go 10 but I do have arthritis in my right knee and the weather is getting nicer and don't want to risk getting hurt early.

I want to run the "Race to the Rock" again this year-Half Marathon and I want to take 10 minutes off my time-Can you believe I almost died 2 yrs ago because of being unhealthy-and know I am the best I have been- Still a workk in progress but I am getting there- I had the blood work of a 90 year old and I am now living!

I even have my husband starting to eat healthy and exercise-(he is up to 20 minutes on the elliptical) he is not in bad shape--
Later

St Patty's day!

Wow I can not believe it has been 5 days since I have written-- I would say sorry but nobody cares but me-

Anyway I have not had any slips (laxatives) I am very proud of myself-I have been running more and feeling good- I did ask my hubby for the friggin scale to compare to the gym-Stupid I know but that is what I do-

I still can not find a job- this sucks and we just had our taxes looked at and we are going to owe like 5K- Not fair we made good $$ last year but this is crazy we need to find a good accountant --

I could go on and on about how unfair but I will just get aggravated-

If anyone reads this please say a prayer for all those with cancer- I am loosing a friend and it sucks-I lost my mom because of MS and diseases are so unfair --

Well tomorrow is another day!!

I am still here-

So lots of struggles and ups and downs this week--

I have to talk my self out of falling back into laxatives so many times but I did it- I must have retained water so that I looked like I gained 5lbs but that has come and gone-I also found out that a friend-Mybrother's mom-law has been told by her dr to stop chemo and only has weeks to live- This is just awful- What do you do with weeks to live. My mom was sick her whole life and I felt like I was preparing for her death for 20 years but this is shocking-

She likes me to visit at least once a week and I keep thinking that I may only see this person a handful of times- Very depressing-

Still no job --

trying to spend more time with friends-They keep me in check-

Spring in Boston!!!

I saw this quote today and really like it!(at bottom) For so long I took for granted for what I have. I was just so concerned about the number on the scale- This whole getting cured from a eating disorder is taking along time but it is getting there. I wish I could win the lottery and go bck to school to help others or speak at JR High and High School about eating disorders! But for now I will concentrate on me and my great family!!
I have not taken any laxatives in a while just the fibercon that my Dr said I could take, eventually I want to do away with that too-If I can... I have so many years of abuse that I wonder my insides are like.
Anyway I did go to the dermatologist the other day and got clean bill of health-He did take one lil thing off to biopsy but pretty sure it is nothing!



Well back to Spring in Boston! It was 60 degrees today! I even ran 4 miles outside- I felt great-

last time weighed myself at gym I thought I should be less because being out of work all I do is exercise! but maybe I do not eat enough to burn! thoughts!

today I ate --

broccoli-garlic-pepper pizza-homade 2 slices-

vegies and coffee and some ceral in the morning- I know it is not much! what the heck- I have been drinking alot and sugar free popsicles too- Yummy!

The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.

Harold B. Lee (1899 - 1973)

Is Fibercon Safe?

I woke up feeling optimistic--- I just wanted someone to call me back about a job and while I was at the gym someone did but she said the job was posted to internal candidates right now but she loved my energy etc-- So I am hopeful

Did some research about taking fibercon everyday- The reg doctor said it was ok-But then I woke up all worried- that is what I do worry- As long as I do not take stimulany laxatives I will be ok- Still a strugle and yes I looked for the scale today but did not panic when I could not find it! Anyway the census is that it ok to take- I have such a fear of what inside damage I have done to my body through the years of eating disorder abuse!
I must stay strong!
Till tomorrow!

I am having a meltdown!

Ok so I just had a meltdown and for the 1st time it is not because of my weight or food or laxatives!

I have officially been out of work for 3 months! I am sick- I actually cried! Why can I not get a job or a company to call me back- I am completely qualified, I love to work and last year made 100K now nothing! UGGG!!!! But I do have a great family and my son loves having me home-But I need to work. I am once again grateful that I have had this time to really work on recovery from my eating disorder- I am 80% there but I can not just eat-exercise and clean every day! I will go crazy- Any body going through the same thing!

I have to stay strong because this kind of thing will stress me out and make me relapse and that is NOT an option!

Smash the Scale!!!! It is the devil!

Yesterday I kind of had a bad day and I know that my eating disorders have been based on anxiety. I am glad that I talked myself out of taking a laxative. I knew that tomorow is another day and it is and I feel good that I did not relapse. I just finished working out on the elliptical. I feel like all I do is work out -eat-clean and sleep!

I will find a job-RIGHT! Nervous about that!

Anyway the scale is still out of my bathroom and hidden waiting for me to smash the scale! No gym today so I can not weigh myself at the gym which I think is actually good- It just stresses me out- Really I have nothing to woorry about I mean I weigh 134 or so and I am 5'7! 2 years ago when I almost died my blood work was equal to a 90 year old woman. I was really lucky not to have perm heart damage. How embarressing to die from abusing laxatives!



Maybe I should smash on April Fool's Day! I mean I feel like a fool for so many years!

Did I eat enough today!

So it has been almost 2 months since I got rid of the bathroom scale with the exception of 2 days-I wanted to weigh myself once but Paul did not get rid of it for 2 days-

I am proud of what I have accomplished so far--

I worked out hard today- I am so bored-burned 1700 calories! Crazy I know!

What I ate today- Not sure if it is enough!

1/2 blueberry muffin-V8 Fusion

1/2 seafood salad sand-slice of cheese

2 meatballs-galic bread 1/4 cup of pasta

Bad stuff-brownie and ice cream!

Diet Gingerale-and One Smirnoff Rasp drink-

Now I will be intersted to see if I maintained what I weighed today at the gym- You would think since I kicked butt today-

Till tomorrow!

Eat-Exercise-Sleep---Boring

I am so bored and need a job so bad-This economy is killing me! How can I get a job if everyone else is looking too. Companies do not even call back, it is very discouraging. I am starting to get sad about the whole thing!

Well again went to the gym and worked hard-Came home ate and then picked up Mitchell for Guitar practice. I have anxiety and feel tempted by laxatives but need to work through it, The thing about laxatives it that it is not a pill that makes you loose wait it will slowly KILL you!

I was just reading some other blogs and these girls are so sick with eating disorders and I was right there --I guess that is something to be happy about-

Tuesday Feb 24th Post---

I need a job! I want tacos!So it has been almost 3 months since my recruiting contract ended! Kinda freaking out! There is just nothing out there for me. Thank God for unemployment but I would rather work my ass off and have the USA in a better economic state!

Maybe this is God's way off saying that I need this time for myself to get to 100% free of my eating disorder-for that I am grateful. So my day consists of dropping my son off at school, get toner for the printer and went to the gym. I only did 1 hour at 15.0 incline at 4.3. When I got home I did a little elliptical!

For some reason I wanted tacos tonight, so I deserved it and I made them. Guess what I am ok with it..

Till tommorow

Laxatives Bad!!!!!

1st I was so happy that Sean Penn won last night-- He is my favorite actor-
My husband worked with him in Mystic River- I never met him though! Someday!

I saw my therapist today and it sound like she is very happy with my progress-Yeah --I did alot of thinking about how this all this started.. March 1st (2 years ago) I almost died-I was close to cardic arrest-and although I did not smarten up right away I am 90% there- The laxatives scale etc... It is all so exhausting! I was getting so tired!

I used to go the gym after not eating pretty much all day and due to laxatives lost about 5lbs of water weight. I could have died so many times. Now I want to get to 100% and help others! I will be smashing my scale-I will have my hubby take pics-Not sure about video tapping it. That might be a little over board. I exercise, eat and feel good-

I look at my little family and I am so lucky- I think that if I kept living the way I was living my son would not have a mother. That is unfair in so many ways. I just look at him and melt.

I also think about how many years I wasted. How many opportunities passed me by and how 90% of my thoughts and focus was on that number on the scale- Don't get me wrong , I was a party girl and had good times but the scale always brought me down. If I was on vacation I would search for a scale or bring extra laxatives just in case I indulged in to many drinks or food-So stupid!

I hope that others out there don't take laxatives--Please stop-It is so unhealthy- I literally had the insides of a 90 year old-- No way to live- I want to help- Talk it out - Take it day by day! Each day is a success!!!

OSCAR NIGHT!!!! Sunday, February 22, 2009

So I am watching "E" with all the stars getting ready for the Oscars tonight!

I do love watching them and there fashion do's and don't's! My hubby thinks I watch too much of it and that I buy too many mags- He is right!! I am pretty sure that most women compare themselves to these super fab stars. Right!! Well we could all look like that if we had people cooking for us and training us-We will just have to do it ourselves!

No gym today- No scale today- I am a strong woman, I can handle this- I did do the elliptical for about 50 minutes. I visited with mom-in-law and aunt margaret! Nice visit -

Then my son wanted to watch a Bruce Willis police movie! He is 9 years old and decided on his career! He is such an awesome kid! When I want to fall off the laxative wagon I just look at those big brown eyes and just fall in love. He is just great!

Back to school in the morning for my li'l guy! I have a Dr appointment (My therapist) and then visit a sick friend-

Toodles

School Vacation is almost over!

I am still alive and kickin-Went to the gym today and went on the treadmill for 75 minutes- I usually do the highest incline at 4.3 it burns 1000 calories. I do this to keep myself in check as I don't want to go back to my awful ways! I came home and did 2.5 miles on the elliptical.

What I ate today- after the gym-coffee! then I had granola bar and cauliflower. I have eaten a whole friggin head of cauliflower in 2 days! I had a little chex mix, piece of cheese...Then I made a lil calzone with asparagus,cauliflowe,tomato,cheese.It was great---

The number on the scale is so hard for me-- It is funny my son has friends over today and one of the mom's she was talking about her scale and how she hates the number----Not ready to share the blog with people I actually know--

I have such a headache right now....Maybe I am allegic to cauliflower--I ate enough of it!

Ok- don't forget to send your stories on your struggle with the scale and we can smash together- Once I can get people to post I can post a National Smash your Scale Day- What fun!! Fun to take hammer or whatever and take out your aggression!

Till tomorrow!


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Almost the weekend--

Yeah the weekend is almost here--Oh but wait I don't have a job! ha ha ha!
My son will be going back to school on Monday, he was home sick for almost a week and the Feb vacation- I will miss him being around!
I am just praying for this economy to jumpstart! Or hoping to win MegaMillions tonight!

Yesterday we stood along Rt 18 to pay respects to Cpl Kevin Preach who died Feb 7th
I was so proud of my town and the outcome of support! Mitchell was in the paper Sunday because they interviewed him about him paying respects and yesterday my dad was on the front page of the paper!

As for me- I went to the gym today and after all my exercising I just can't loose a couple lbs-Not that I need to but I just don't want to gain-- Anyway that SCALE is not coming back in my home! I wish I could have this blog seen by others and have them tell my stories and send in pictures of their smashed scales-Mine is coming soon!!

Tuesday-Scale is Gone Again!

So I think I said last night my hubby got rid of the scale again--
Today I met my friend from my old job for lunch-Panera Bread-they have the best black bean soup--
Anyway I told her what I have been going through-not in detail but enough-
Then I went to the gym-The scale still sucks but I do better without it-I think I am almost ready to smash it-I hate what it does to me-and that is make me crazy-

Tomorrow we will pay our respect to Cpl Kevin Preach (soldier who died as results of attack in Afganistan)then my son, his friend and my dad will go to lunch then I am taking the boys to see the Pink Panther II-
It should be a good day-
In a way I am thankful for this time out of work, I am rebuilding myself and my life!

A little hung over!

So yesterday I decided to tie one on- I think being worried about not working-the economy and being stuck in the house because Mitchell was sick-- We went out to eat and then home to watch the Daytona 500-Not that I care-My hubby's friend came over and we hung out -I regret drinking: One Paul still hasn't taken the scalle away so between drinking-eating etc... Crazy-
So I weighed myself before going out and I was like 129-130 -Today 135 I should just not drink! I exercise and work out hard and I feel like I just failed-
I keep telling hubby to get rid of it as I hate the scale it has proven to be a ugly frienemy!
New day tomorrow-Plus we bought a elliptical so that I won't freak when I can't go to the gym-$1000.00 but it wiill be good for both of us!!!!

Ok new day tomorrow -- I really need to stop eating SUGAR! Bad habit!!

Caved in!!

Well I just needed to weigh myself once with my scale-Like I said I didn't trust those gym scales- I guess I was happy! I mean according to home scale I was down a couple lbs-- Now I need him to hid again- He was very supportive though-That made me feel better-
I will go to the gym tomorrow and work hard because we are going to lunch & maybe drinks tomorrow. Daytona 500 tomorrow-Not that I care but Paul and my dad do!
I will go along with it-
Anyway gotta go----SO TIRED-My 13 year old dog is getting up to go out 2-3 times between 11PM and 6AM-


Oh year hubby wants to buy Elliptical--I don't want t o speand the $$ but......

Friday!

I feel like I am struggling a bit this week- Don't know why, maybe because my son has been sick all week! Been to the doctors 2X
I took 1 lax because I just felt so bloated! Stupid I know but I guess a lil help once in a while can not hurt-
Went to the gym today and just walked fast at a high incline-Tomorrow I want to run 5miles-
Tomorrow is Vaelentine's day. It will be interesting to see if hubby bought me a card-
I am just about to maake his fav cookied macroons! YUCK!
I made Choc Chippers yesterday and have had a few!

Anyway I am struggling with getting my scale back for one weigh in just to see what I weigh in comparison to the gym! I am afraid that it will be high and I will be depressed-
I will pass-

Tired!

So my son is still sick---- He has missed almost a week of school and now next week is Febuary vacation....
Oh well- Went to the gym-worked hard-
Still no scale! Having a rough week- No Job! No scale- Who is me!

Fat Girl, Skinny Girl!

So I am so sick of hearing about all the celebrities and how skinny or fat they are getting-- I only care about ME and what I weigh! Even my dad is saying how much weight Jessica Simpson has gained and I feel like screaming that is what he said about me when I was little- People just don't get it--
Anyway my son has been sick the last couple days-Just came back from the Doctor and after he was weighed I so wanted to jump on that scale since I don't have the scale at home and can not go to the gym until the morning-- Stupid- Can you imagine if I asked to weigh myself-Damn that would be desperate--
Anyway I told my husband that I want to weigh myself and he offered to get my scale. But I am now afraid to weigh myself --Will I trigger bad feelings-
I'll let you know how I make out-

1 month 1 Day

I forgot to mention that yesterday was 1 month mark of my bathroom scale seperation!
So Proud!

Bored!

So I missed the last couple days-Can't say I have been busy! but bored!
Yesterday went to the gym and then came home and laid down for about 2 hours.
I can not beleive I am not getting any hits on my resume! This economy bites!
I am thinking of another career! I wish as a kid i had more guidance and went to nursing school, at least I would have a job-
Still no scale in my bathroom-almost tempted to bring in just to weigh my once- Don't trust the gym scale--

A New Day!

I guess I feel a little better than yesterday-
Started at the gym- Yes I weighed myself! I liked what it said on one scale and did
not like the other- I left! Got ready for my niece's bday!
Came home and very shaky, Guess I did not eat enough for working out than 2 drinks-
So I had a a English muffin loaded with peanut butter and OJ- I feel allot better-

Tomorrow me and my buddy (son) will be going to his music schools recital--Then who knows!
We are just about done with his 1st science project-He picked Coyotes' -
Anyway- I got tix to the Ellen DeGeneres show for March 11th- Now I need to get $$ for plane-hotel-I really want to go--She cracks me up!
Til tomorrow!

I need a job!!!

I am so concerned about today's economy!
Unemployment rate is 7.5% CRAZY!!
I feel like I ate so much tonight- Greek salad-ice cream-chips-

Gym tomorrow- Thank God my scale is not in my bathroom or I would be a mess-
Gym tomorrow and then my 2 niece's bday party-

Moody Girl!

Ok So I am so freakin moody today! I went to a so called interview today for a job and it ended up being a informational about the company AFLAC--totally misled-
Then my hubby is more into playing video games than finding work or helping me with our son's homework. I even did lauundry-dishes-vacumn and dusting too-Or yeah and dinner!
I need a break! I am not even working and I need a break!
So no gym and no scale today because of the meeting which will go no where!
Maybe that is why I have some anxiety!

Day 31 without the scale!

Today I have been a mom for 9 years! I love that kid so much- I woke him up this morning exactly how my mom used to wake me up and tell the story of the day of his birth!
He seemed happy this morning going to school, I made cupcakes for his class and then Paul will take him to Gamestop then believe it or not he wants to go to the Chatta Box (Thai food) so that is what we will do. He is spoiled as he is a only child but such a good kid! I hope he always is and I just love to hear him say mom or mommy- I think as I get older and deeper into my recovery I am even more sentimental than ever. Maybe a appreciation for life!

I went to the gym for about 1 hour this morning. I need to take a day off a am a bit tired!! I think I willl take Thursday off! I have a job interview but it is more sales related than recruiting. I am only going because I am bored and it can't hurt to get some extra interviewing practice.

Making Progress

So it has been a couple days! I have been so busy with the festivities of my son Mitchell's birthday! He is 9 tomorrow but we had party Friday and then Sunday which was followed by a Super Bowl party! I survived it all without my scale and I even ate and drank! I must say it was more relaxing to NOT have the scale and keep checking my weight after every drink or morsel of food. I told myself that I need to enjoy myself, to not have to many drinks as that is a trigger for me, and to realize that tomorrow is another day-I am so happy at my progress. Now I know that there are so many people out there that struggle every day with the scale- I mean I still weigh myself at the gym- The scale is a trigger too-It has always told me if I am good enough or not! Stupid huh! I really believe that my life has purpose, maybe not having a job is a sign for better things to come- I am a strong woman who has been so tired and sick of being sick!!!
When I think back to all the years of anorexia (the early years!) then moved to laxatives-Great advice from a so called friend! I wasted years! But you know I am going to be 39 this year and maybe these will be the best years of my life, I mean how can they not be I have come so far-
I have lived by my "bathroom scale for 20 years" and lived on laxatives and dehydrated myself and have come close to death-Death -there is no looking back to that!
I still have little slips--I now know it his anxiety issue and I will addressing that! A slip now means 1 pill-- I used to take up to 40 a day! How did I even have time to get married-have a baby and have a lot of friends! Crazy-It is not a way to live- I am so done being sick, feeling dizzy,and stomach pains-
You know my husband who NEVER gets sick was sick for 2 weeks! I never got sick- I feel really good!
I know that this stems from my youth- I always felt so sad for my mom, she was so sick growing up and I had to hold down the fort as a little girl- She was awesome- so much loves- I cry right now knowing that she would be so proud of me-- When I struggle I picture my mom sitting down with a big smile and pumping her fists up and down like you get em girl!
I want to make a difference-maybe I could win the lottery and go back to school to council others. I would love to just be a support to anyone that struggles with the lifelong disease and give big hugs--Is that a job-Giving hugs and let people cry on my shoulder! That would be the ultimate-
So I continue to write to myself- Ban the Scale dam it!!!!!! If someone who struggles sees this let's pick a day and smash our scales and be free!

Till tomorrow! Making cupcakes for Mitchell's class!

24 days --- I am still ok-

So today good day- No laxatives I just can't do it again!
Dropped my son and my friends off at school and then food shopping for all the bdays party this weekend-
Went back to the school to see the school variety show- Then gym-home and back to the school. We then met in laws for dinner where I bit into the big piece of plastic!
Then came home and made 4 loaf pan cakes into Lego cakes!
Fun and long day-- Now I lost my job the day after Turkey day and I keep myself pretty busy!
I have to or will go crazy-
We watch Home Hunters all the time and it is so expensive in Boston that we would love to pick up and move to an island and maybe work near a beach and just enjoy life-Could that actually happen some day!
Today I am proud of myself!
Till tomorrow!
BTW only weighed myself when got to the gym and actually left w/0 weighing again!

What a cruddy day!

So I am tired- No school today- Used the snow blower-cleaned the house for my son's B day party Friday and helped him work on Science project- I feel like I ate crappy- No exercise and no scale-
I did take a laxitive the other day which makes me a lier in previous post- Tomorrow is a better day-

My hubby will be home Friday morning- I get worried when he drives late- I never sleep when he is away!
Still no scale in the home--I am on my way!

Tuesday-January 27th

So I am snuggling up to my son-Loving it! Hubby is away! My son is hoping that school will be cancelled due to the snow-Unlikely! I am on the fense it would be nice to stay home but then no gym! Although I could shovel snow~
I worked out hard today 1100 calories I burned- Stupid scale I feel like I can not trust any of them! I started at 134 on one of the gym scales and 138 on the other! I am so ridiculous to be this crazy! One day at a time-

I need to see a new doctor I really believe that I could go off the depression medicine and need something for anxiety-- My doctor thinks that that is a big part of who I am --It is a wonderful family trait! My dad will call to check on me and if I am not home he is on my caller ID 10 times-
I have the best husband really- so honest and I know he would do anything for me. He may not understand everything but little by little!
See ya-
I wonder if anyone will ever see this!

Deep Breathe it is going to be Ok!

Woke up with a lot of anxiety! Went to the gym and came home and had some Turkey Chili --Yum!
I am never taaking laxitives again- I promise I am strong and have lasted 3 weeks ww/o my scale-- When should I smash it- I need a good day!!

We have a wake today and funeral in the morning then my hubby is going to NYC to work on a tv series-
Then we have our son's B day "friends" party on Friday and family party Super Bowl Sunday- It will be a busy week-

I also want to find a job- My conract ended at Thanksgiving and I have been off for 2 months this ecconomy sucks but maybe God is doing this so I can concentrate on ME!

Gotta go

Crappy day!

So I had too many drinks last night and dinner --- I took a couple laxitives last night-(I really don't remember) But i feel like crap today! No gym today either- I vow never to take them again it is not worth it! I will have to be stronger-- I left a message for thearipist and told her about the slips and that I got rid of the house scale- Good and bad news!

I WILL BE STRONG! I am not a failure----

TGIF-Friend -Drinks

Hey there !
So dropped my son off and went to the gym-I have gone 5 days in a row which is fine it is not like I over do it while I am there-
I am trying to take deep breaths about having friends over - I prepared Lasagna-salad-aspargus roll ups-brownies and chocolate covered strawberries! Yum-Also drinks! So I worry that if I indulge to much I will be up lots of lbs!
But the good news is that I still do not have my scale which is really good because I would be weighing myself after every drink and morsel. This is obviously not a good "weigh" to live-Ha ha!

I am a survivor-Eye of the tiger baby--I am a strong women-

Oprah-Smash your scale and I will too!

SO I know I am a goof but I emailed OPRAH! yes Oprah about story idea regarding my struggle with the scale -- Wouldn't it be great if to get rid of scales and just treat our bodies the way they are suppose to be treated-yeah still struggling but proud of myself almost 3 weeks without my bathroom scale- Maybe I will be OK! Should I pick a day to smash it-Independence day! Mother's day! something with meaning!!!

till tomorrow!

Having a friend and his family for dinner tomorrow night, he just lost his mom and thought it would be nice--
I wiill go to the gym in the morning and try not to stress if the scale is up or down!!!

The Ups and Downs of the Scale

Ok so I am happy about allot of things and that is great!
I went to the gym today and when I weighed myself I was 139 on the "doctor scale" at the gym-
Should I smash that scale too-No I have not smashed my bathroom scale yet- I will I promise-

So I guess I might as well be honest, I have had a eating disorder for many years-
When I was 16 I started with good ole anorexia- A year before I heard my dad tell my mom I had a fat ass- Now that did crush me. I also had a awesome mom who was diagnosed with MS when I was 8. From that time I quickly became allot of things-sometimes I had to get breakfast and lunch for my younger brother, chores etc! I had to grow up quickly since my mom just got worse as the years went. She passed away 6.5 years ago and the last 10 years she was basically confined to one floor and the last 5 to her bed-
I had a lot of anxiety and depression, I guess my eating disorder masked the pain I felt about having a mom so sick growing up and also I the thinner I got the more people noticed me-I just wanted to be a little girl!

I did get some help for eating disorder but short lived-I was down to 98 lbs in 10th and 11th grade and my dad said you better eat- Senior Year I weighed 145! Big change! Anyway that is when I discovered laxatives. I urge people please do not do this- It was my drug of choice-When things went wrong I would over do the laxatives. I wasted "literally" about 15 years. Well I shouldn't say wasted because I have a great hubby and son! They are my inspiration. Sometimes I can not believe I am still allive-( I never took laxitives while pregnant)

2 Years ago I went to the hospital with EKG problems. I could have died! My potassium level was so low that I could have went into cardiac arrest. I was in there for 2 nights to maintain heart. I was lucky I had no damage to my heart!

I immediately reached out to my family some who were shocked and others who knew all along! My dad cried and said he felt responsible because we never ever spoke about my mom growing up!
My son came into the hospital and I knew right then I needed to change- Did I change right away! Yes I stayed home from work for another week and took no pills and eat good-
I gained about 12 -15 lbs over the next month or so--Very emotional. I saw Psychiatrist, psychologist and nutritionist!
This has been a 2 year struggle - I am doing better now I go 4 weeks then I may take a laxitive because of what is "scale anxiety"- I am learning how to cope in other ways- To be honest and this sounds gross I used to take up to 40 a day! I was completley malnourished- I know I am in such a better place now-
I wonder if I will get a rush from smashing my scale or will I be sad! Relieved I hope!


More latter

Bad day for me!!!! Great day for USA!

Hooray for President Obama! Very emotional to watch! I am very hopeful that this country is now going to move forward with change!


Ok now about me -- Went to the gym and up 5lbs in one day! I did not even indulge in any good foods- This sucks- See what the scale does!!!! I felt great when I woke up and then crash-Unbelievable--Does this happen to anyone else-

Things like this cause me to slip back to my old ways -
Deep breathe--Tomorrow is another day!

Is anyone out there

So apparently I am writing to myself-
Well I am happy to say that it has been 2 weeks since Paul took my bathroom scale away (per my request)
I can not wait to see my therapist next Monday! She will be thrilled!
It snowed again but Paul knew I wanted to get to the gym because I was so afraid the number on the scale went up, of course I went to work out too-I love the feeling of a good workout-
I am happy that I was actually down a lb or 2!
I keep thinking that if I did not live according to my scale I would have been happier sooner--
Can the experts be right-exercise,eat and you will maintain! CRAZY!
When you have eating disorders-body distortion you don't believe anything but the number on the scale!
I am a strong woman! I am proud of myself!

Hooray for me!

Snowy Sunday

Ok so I woke up and it has been snowing since last night, therefore in my best interest I am not going to the gym and not weighing myself that 1 time allowance to do so since my "beloved bathroom scale" is in hiding-
I have alot of anxiety today because of this -it feels like I broke a rib and can not breathe great- This is what eating disorders do they do NOT let you live normally-

However if you knew me 2 years ago you would wonder how I am still alive- I will explain in a later post!
According to how I was living 2 years ago I am pretty normal!

SO I am making coffee with a little Bailey's in it! that may do the trick!

Later-Love Ya!

Day 12 -Where is my Scale!

OK- Right at this moment I am having some anxiety about now weighing myself-
I did go to the gym but it is never as good as my home scale-Anyway shitty work out as
it was packed- New Years Resolutions I guess- I have been working out for a few years-I work out hard but I eat now-
Now I am not big-In fact I am accepting my body better now--I wish I could cut sugar out but I can not--
I am 5'7 and weigh 138-
Now when I was sick and in the hospital I weighed 122! Doesn't seem to bad as you may hear people with eating disorders weighing under 100- It was malnourished -I had the stats of a 90 year old- I turned things around with therapy and alot of struggles-

Eating disorders are crazy- People do not understand-They think just stop doing what your doing, just eat, etc... I believe it is a disease you must fight!
and the fight goes on.........

Day 10

NO Scale and NO GYM today - My husband's aunt passed away and we had the funeral today-
and I am still alive without it! I am anxious to go to the gym tomorrow though!

lost a filling today too- Mut call dentist-UGGGG

I think I am on my way!!!! 8 days w/o home scale

I think I am on my way to actually living without the scale at home--Oh my dear friend "thee scale" I am not sure I even miss you--It has been 8 days!
I did go to the gym and weigh myself-I can accept that! So can my therapist, she has wanted me to get rid of it for 2 years---
I am longing to be a strong woman---
When I completed the 1/2 marathon in September I kept saying I am a strong woman-(out loud)
I think OPRAH is right it is about being fit and healthy- Who gives a shit if you way 125 or 175-right--Honestly I would not be ok with that - You see I am still a numbers girl --The number tells me ok Lori will you be in a good mood and bad mood--but working on it!
Since being laid off 6 weeks ago I am working on me! That is what it is about --me me me
And to all of you scale junkies! It is all about you too-
As I write in the blog I am hoping to open up more about my struggles with eating disorders!
Anorexia-Bullimia- I did not discriminate, how nice of me!
I want to make a diffrence- I wish I could have enough money to be able to reach out to people struggling with disorders full time-Today I feel great!
I am happy that I have been living more since my scare 2 years ago--

Weight up....Weight down..it is all a game!

Hello there if anyone is out there---

My name is Lori and I am a victim of that nasty little thing with numbers on it--Yes I am talking about the scale-- That damn scale that has for over 20 years dictated how I live my day/life--If I weigh myself and I am up a few lbs watch out--If I am down a few lbs-I love all of God's creation! I have had my share of ups and downs (Pun Intended)

As a 38 year old woman I have struggled with eating disorders for over 20 years and I became very ill 2 years ago and almost lost my life--I have since then been working on recovery for 2 years. In September I completed a 1/2 marathon! Now I never would have been able to complete that if I had not been healthier! Plus I am a mom, wife, friend and sister, doesn't that mean something---YES

I am such a better place now with the exception of the scale-That is a work in progress-
I can weigh myself 20 times a day, maybe more!
It has been a love hate relationship! I suppose you can guess when it was love and when it was hate!

I told my husband that the scale in the bathroom has been around just as long as him! I have to admit he looked at me like he was crazy! I know one of them has to go and it will not be my husband! So on January 5th-(my hubby's bday) I called him on the way home from the gym and told him to hide-Not to throw away because that may be traumatic-I need a proper goodbye and my plan is to smash the hell out of it- Of course there will be pictures etc to celebrate but I am not ready yet.

I have been through this before and usually after a day I bring the scale back to the bathroom closet where we reunite! :)

Well it has been a week and I have not asked for it--I must admit that I go to the gym and weigh myself there-But that is only once and then I leave and live my life-

As I sit here I wonder what I weigh -I did just eat a English muffin with PB & J-But I need to vision a STOP sign that let's me know I need to chill out-

Now I know there are thousands of women and men out there that are weighing themselves right now and are either happy or sad at what that stupid piece of metal is telling you--How do you feel? Let's put a end to the scale and be FREE!!!!

Love ya-