24 days --- I am still ok-

So today good day- No laxatives I just can't do it again!
Dropped my son and my friends off at school and then food shopping for all the bdays party this weekend-
Went back to the school to see the school variety show- Then gym-home and back to the school. We then met in laws for dinner where I bit into the big piece of plastic!
Then came home and made 4 loaf pan cakes into Lego cakes!
Fun and long day-- Now I lost my job the day after Turkey day and I keep myself pretty busy!
I have to or will go crazy-
We watch Home Hunters all the time and it is so expensive in Boston that we would love to pick up and move to an island and maybe work near a beach and just enjoy life-Could that actually happen some day!
Today I am proud of myself!
Till tomorrow!
BTW only weighed myself when got to the gym and actually left w/0 weighing again!

What a cruddy day!

So I am tired- No school today- Used the snow blower-cleaned the house for my son's B day party Friday and helped him work on Science project- I feel like I ate crappy- No exercise and no scale-
I did take a laxitive the other day which makes me a lier in previous post- Tomorrow is a better day-

My hubby will be home Friday morning- I get worried when he drives late- I never sleep when he is away!
Still no scale in the home--I am on my way!

Tuesday-January 27th

So I am snuggling up to my son-Loving it! Hubby is away! My son is hoping that school will be cancelled due to the snow-Unlikely! I am on the fense it would be nice to stay home but then no gym! Although I could shovel snow~
I worked out hard today 1100 calories I burned- Stupid scale I feel like I can not trust any of them! I started at 134 on one of the gym scales and 138 on the other! I am so ridiculous to be this crazy! One day at a time-

I need to see a new doctor I really believe that I could go off the depression medicine and need something for anxiety-- My doctor thinks that that is a big part of who I am --It is a wonderful family trait! My dad will call to check on me and if I am not home he is on my caller ID 10 times-
I have the best husband really- so honest and I know he would do anything for me. He may not understand everything but little by little!
See ya-
I wonder if anyone will ever see this!

Deep Breathe it is going to be Ok!

Woke up with a lot of anxiety! Went to the gym and came home and had some Turkey Chili --Yum!
I am never taaking laxitives again- I promise I am strong and have lasted 3 weeks ww/o my scale-- When should I smash it- I need a good day!!

We have a wake today and funeral in the morning then my hubby is going to NYC to work on a tv series-
Then we have our son's B day "friends" party on Friday and family party Super Bowl Sunday- It will be a busy week-

I also want to find a job- My conract ended at Thanksgiving and I have been off for 2 months this ecconomy sucks but maybe God is doing this so I can concentrate on ME!

Gotta go

Crappy day!

So I had too many drinks last night and dinner --- I took a couple laxitives last night-(I really don't remember) But i feel like crap today! No gym today either- I vow never to take them again it is not worth it! I will have to be stronger-- I left a message for thearipist and told her about the slips and that I got rid of the house scale- Good and bad news!

I WILL BE STRONG! I am not a failure----

TGIF-Friend -Drinks

Hey there !
So dropped my son off and went to the gym-I have gone 5 days in a row which is fine it is not like I over do it while I am there-
I am trying to take deep breaths about having friends over - I prepared Lasagna-salad-aspargus roll ups-brownies and chocolate covered strawberries! Yum-Also drinks! So I worry that if I indulge to much I will be up lots of lbs!
But the good news is that I still do not have my scale which is really good because I would be weighing myself after every drink and morsel. This is obviously not a good "weigh" to live-Ha ha!

I am a survivor-Eye of the tiger baby--I am a strong women-

Oprah-Smash your scale and I will too!

SO I know I am a goof but I emailed OPRAH! yes Oprah about story idea regarding my struggle with the scale -- Wouldn't it be great if to get rid of scales and just treat our bodies the way they are suppose to be treated-yeah still struggling but proud of myself almost 3 weeks without my bathroom scale- Maybe I will be OK! Should I pick a day to smash it-Independence day! Mother's day! something with meaning!!!

till tomorrow!

Having a friend and his family for dinner tomorrow night, he just lost his mom and thought it would be nice--
I wiill go to the gym in the morning and try not to stress if the scale is up or down!!!

The Ups and Downs of the Scale

Ok so I am happy about allot of things and that is great!
I went to the gym today and when I weighed myself I was 139 on the "doctor scale" at the gym-
Should I smash that scale too-No I have not smashed my bathroom scale yet- I will I promise-

So I guess I might as well be honest, I have had a eating disorder for many years-
When I was 16 I started with good ole anorexia- A year before I heard my dad tell my mom I had a fat ass- Now that did crush me. I also had a awesome mom who was diagnosed with MS when I was 8. From that time I quickly became allot of things-sometimes I had to get breakfast and lunch for my younger brother, chores etc! I had to grow up quickly since my mom just got worse as the years went. She passed away 6.5 years ago and the last 10 years she was basically confined to one floor and the last 5 to her bed-
I had a lot of anxiety and depression, I guess my eating disorder masked the pain I felt about having a mom so sick growing up and also I the thinner I got the more people noticed me-I just wanted to be a little girl!

I did get some help for eating disorder but short lived-I was down to 98 lbs in 10th and 11th grade and my dad said you better eat- Senior Year I weighed 145! Big change! Anyway that is when I discovered laxatives. I urge people please do not do this- It was my drug of choice-When things went wrong I would over do the laxatives. I wasted "literally" about 15 years. Well I shouldn't say wasted because I have a great hubby and son! They are my inspiration. Sometimes I can not believe I am still allive-( I never took laxitives while pregnant)

2 Years ago I went to the hospital with EKG problems. I could have died! My potassium level was so low that I could have went into cardiac arrest. I was in there for 2 nights to maintain heart. I was lucky I had no damage to my heart!

I immediately reached out to my family some who were shocked and others who knew all along! My dad cried and said he felt responsible because we never ever spoke about my mom growing up!
My son came into the hospital and I knew right then I needed to change- Did I change right away! Yes I stayed home from work for another week and took no pills and eat good-
I gained about 12 -15 lbs over the next month or so--Very emotional. I saw Psychiatrist, psychologist and nutritionist!
This has been a 2 year struggle - I am doing better now I go 4 weeks then I may take a laxitive because of what is "scale anxiety"- I am learning how to cope in other ways- To be honest and this sounds gross I used to take up to 40 a day! I was completley malnourished- I know I am in such a better place now-
I wonder if I will get a rush from smashing my scale or will I be sad! Relieved I hope!


More latter

Bad day for me!!!! Great day for USA!

Hooray for President Obama! Very emotional to watch! I am very hopeful that this country is now going to move forward with change!


Ok now about me -- Went to the gym and up 5lbs in one day! I did not even indulge in any good foods- This sucks- See what the scale does!!!! I felt great when I woke up and then crash-Unbelievable--Does this happen to anyone else-

Things like this cause me to slip back to my old ways -
Deep breathe--Tomorrow is another day!

Is anyone out there

So apparently I am writing to myself-
Well I am happy to say that it has been 2 weeks since Paul took my bathroom scale away (per my request)
I can not wait to see my therapist next Monday! She will be thrilled!
It snowed again but Paul knew I wanted to get to the gym because I was so afraid the number on the scale went up, of course I went to work out too-I love the feeling of a good workout-
I am happy that I was actually down a lb or 2!
I keep thinking that if I did not live according to my scale I would have been happier sooner--
Can the experts be right-exercise,eat and you will maintain! CRAZY!
When you have eating disorders-body distortion you don't believe anything but the number on the scale!
I am a strong woman! I am proud of myself!

Hooray for me!

Snowy Sunday

Ok so I woke up and it has been snowing since last night, therefore in my best interest I am not going to the gym and not weighing myself that 1 time allowance to do so since my "beloved bathroom scale" is in hiding-
I have alot of anxiety today because of this -it feels like I broke a rib and can not breathe great- This is what eating disorders do they do NOT let you live normally-

However if you knew me 2 years ago you would wonder how I am still alive- I will explain in a later post!
According to how I was living 2 years ago I am pretty normal!

SO I am making coffee with a little Bailey's in it! that may do the trick!

Later-Love Ya!

Day 12 -Where is my Scale!

OK- Right at this moment I am having some anxiety about now weighing myself-
I did go to the gym but it is never as good as my home scale-Anyway shitty work out as
it was packed- New Years Resolutions I guess- I have been working out for a few years-I work out hard but I eat now-
Now I am not big-In fact I am accepting my body better now--I wish I could cut sugar out but I can not--
I am 5'7 and weigh 138-
Now when I was sick and in the hospital I weighed 122! Doesn't seem to bad as you may hear people with eating disorders weighing under 100- It was malnourished -I had the stats of a 90 year old- I turned things around with therapy and alot of struggles-

Eating disorders are crazy- People do not understand-They think just stop doing what your doing, just eat, etc... I believe it is a disease you must fight!
and the fight goes on.........

Day 10

NO Scale and NO GYM today - My husband's aunt passed away and we had the funeral today-
and I am still alive without it! I am anxious to go to the gym tomorrow though!

lost a filling today too- Mut call dentist-UGGGG

I think I am on my way!!!! 8 days w/o home scale

I think I am on my way to actually living without the scale at home--Oh my dear friend "thee scale" I am not sure I even miss you--It has been 8 days!
I did go to the gym and weigh myself-I can accept that! So can my therapist, she has wanted me to get rid of it for 2 years---
I am longing to be a strong woman---
When I completed the 1/2 marathon in September I kept saying I am a strong woman-(out loud)
I think OPRAH is right it is about being fit and healthy- Who gives a shit if you way 125 or 175-right--Honestly I would not be ok with that - You see I am still a numbers girl --The number tells me ok Lori will you be in a good mood and bad mood--but working on it!
Since being laid off 6 weeks ago I am working on me! That is what it is about --me me me
And to all of you scale junkies! It is all about you too-
As I write in the blog I am hoping to open up more about my struggles with eating disorders!
Anorexia-Bullimia- I did not discriminate, how nice of me!
I want to make a diffrence- I wish I could have enough money to be able to reach out to people struggling with disorders full time-Today I feel great!
I am happy that I have been living more since my scare 2 years ago--

Weight up....Weight down..it is all a game!

Hello there if anyone is out there---

My name is Lori and I am a victim of that nasty little thing with numbers on it--Yes I am talking about the scale-- That damn scale that has for over 20 years dictated how I live my day/life--If I weigh myself and I am up a few lbs watch out--If I am down a few lbs-I love all of God's creation! I have had my share of ups and downs (Pun Intended)

As a 38 year old woman I have struggled with eating disorders for over 20 years and I became very ill 2 years ago and almost lost my life--I have since then been working on recovery for 2 years. In September I completed a 1/2 marathon! Now I never would have been able to complete that if I had not been healthier! Plus I am a mom, wife, friend and sister, doesn't that mean something---YES

I am such a better place now with the exception of the scale-That is a work in progress-
I can weigh myself 20 times a day, maybe more!
It has been a love hate relationship! I suppose you can guess when it was love and when it was hate!

I told my husband that the scale in the bathroom has been around just as long as him! I have to admit he looked at me like he was crazy! I know one of them has to go and it will not be my husband! So on January 5th-(my hubby's bday) I called him on the way home from the gym and told him to hide-Not to throw away because that may be traumatic-I need a proper goodbye and my plan is to smash the hell out of it- Of course there will be pictures etc to celebrate but I am not ready yet.

I have been through this before and usually after a day I bring the scale back to the bathroom closet where we reunite! :)

Well it has been a week and I have not asked for it--I must admit that I go to the gym and weigh myself there-But that is only once and then I leave and live my life-

As I sit here I wonder what I weigh -I did just eat a English muffin with PB & J-But I need to vision a STOP sign that let's me know I need to chill out-

Now I know there are thousands of women and men out there that are weighing themselves right now and are either happy or sad at what that stupid piece of metal is telling you--How do you feel? Let's put a end to the scale and be FREE!!!!

Love ya-