Ok so I am happy about allot of things and that is great!
I went to the gym today and when I weighed myself I was 139 on the "doctor scale" at the gym-
Should I smash that scale too-No I have not smashed my bathroom scale yet- I will I promise-
So I guess I might as well be honest, I have had a eating disorder for many years-
When I was 16 I started with good ole anorexia- A year before I heard my dad tell my mom I had a fat ass- Now that did crush me. I also had a awesome mom who was diagnosed with MS when I was 8. From that time I quickly became allot of things-sometimes I had to get breakfast and lunch for my younger brother, chores etc! I had to grow up quickly since my mom just got worse as the years went. She passed away 6.5 years ago and the last 10 years she was basically confined to one floor and the last 5 to her bed-
I had a lot of anxiety and depression, I guess my eating disorder masked the pain I felt about having a mom so sick growing up and also I the thinner I got the more people noticed me-I just wanted to be a little girl!
I did get some help for eating disorder but short lived-I was down to 98 lbs in 10th and 11th grade and my dad said you better eat- Senior Year I weighed 145! Big change! Anyway that is when I discovered laxatives. I urge people please do not do this- It was my drug of choice-When things went wrong I would over do the laxatives. I wasted "literally" about 15 years. Well I shouldn't say wasted because I have a great hubby and son! They are my inspiration. Sometimes I can not believe I am still allive-( I never took laxitives while pregnant)
2 Years ago I went to the hospital with EKG problems. I could have died! My potassium level was so low that I could have went into cardiac arrest. I was in there for 2 nights to maintain heart. I was lucky I had no damage to my heart!
I immediately reached out to my family some who were shocked and others who knew all along! My dad cried and said he felt responsible because we never ever spoke about my mom growing up!
My son came into the hospital and I knew right then I needed to change- Did I change right away! Yes I stayed home from work for another week and took no pills and eat good-
I gained about 12 -15 lbs over the next month or so--Very emotional. I saw Psychiatrist, psychologist and nutritionist!
This has been a 2 year struggle - I am doing better now I go 4 weeks then I may take a laxitive because of what is "scale anxiety"- I am learning how to cope in other ways- To be honest and this sounds gross I used to take up to 40 a day! I was completley malnourished- I know I am in such a better place now-
I wonder if I will get a rush from smashing my scale or will I be sad! Relieved I hope!
More latter
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