Smash the Scale!!!! It is the devil!

Yesterday I kind of had a bad day and I know that my eating disorders have been based on anxiety. I am glad that I talked myself out of taking a laxative. I knew that tomorow is another day and it is and I feel good that I did not relapse. I just finished working out on the elliptical. I feel like all I do is work out -eat-clean and sleep!

I will find a job-RIGHT! Nervous about that!

Anyway the scale is still out of my bathroom and hidden waiting for me to smash the scale! No gym today so I can not weigh myself at the gym which I think is actually good- It just stresses me out- Really I have nothing to woorry about I mean I weigh 134 or so and I am 5'7! 2 years ago when I almost died my blood work was equal to a 90 year old woman. I was really lucky not to have perm heart damage. How embarressing to die from abusing laxatives!



Maybe I should smash on April Fool's Day! I mean I feel like a fool for so many years!

Did I eat enough today!

So it has been almost 2 months since I got rid of the bathroom scale with the exception of 2 days-I wanted to weigh myself once but Paul did not get rid of it for 2 days-

I am proud of what I have accomplished so far--

I worked out hard today- I am so bored-burned 1700 calories! Crazy I know!

What I ate today- Not sure if it is enough!

1/2 blueberry muffin-V8 Fusion

1/2 seafood salad sand-slice of cheese

2 meatballs-galic bread 1/4 cup of pasta

Bad stuff-brownie and ice cream!

Diet Gingerale-and One Smirnoff Rasp drink-

Now I will be intersted to see if I maintained what I weighed today at the gym- You would think since I kicked butt today-

Till tomorrow!

Eat-Exercise-Sleep---Boring

I am so bored and need a job so bad-This economy is killing me! How can I get a job if everyone else is looking too. Companies do not even call back, it is very discouraging. I am starting to get sad about the whole thing!

Well again went to the gym and worked hard-Came home ate and then picked up Mitchell for Guitar practice. I have anxiety and feel tempted by laxatives but need to work through it, The thing about laxatives it that it is not a pill that makes you loose wait it will slowly KILL you!

I was just reading some other blogs and these girls are so sick with eating disorders and I was right there --I guess that is something to be happy about-

Tuesday Feb 24th Post---

I need a job! I want tacos!So it has been almost 3 months since my recruiting contract ended! Kinda freaking out! There is just nothing out there for me. Thank God for unemployment but I would rather work my ass off and have the USA in a better economic state!

Maybe this is God's way off saying that I need this time for myself to get to 100% free of my eating disorder-for that I am grateful. So my day consists of dropping my son off at school, get toner for the printer and went to the gym. I only did 1 hour at 15.0 incline at 4.3. When I got home I did a little elliptical!

For some reason I wanted tacos tonight, so I deserved it and I made them. Guess what I am ok with it..

Till tommorow

Laxatives Bad!!!!!

1st I was so happy that Sean Penn won last night-- He is my favorite actor-
My husband worked with him in Mystic River- I never met him though! Someday!

I saw my therapist today and it sound like she is very happy with my progress-Yeah --I did alot of thinking about how this all this started.. March 1st (2 years ago) I almost died-I was close to cardic arrest-and although I did not smarten up right away I am 90% there- The laxatives scale etc... It is all so exhausting! I was getting so tired!

I used to go the gym after not eating pretty much all day and due to laxatives lost about 5lbs of water weight. I could have died so many times. Now I want to get to 100% and help others! I will be smashing my scale-I will have my hubby take pics-Not sure about video tapping it. That might be a little over board. I exercise, eat and feel good-

I look at my little family and I am so lucky- I think that if I kept living the way I was living my son would not have a mother. That is unfair in so many ways. I just look at him and melt.

I also think about how many years I wasted. How many opportunities passed me by and how 90% of my thoughts and focus was on that number on the scale- Don't get me wrong , I was a party girl and had good times but the scale always brought me down. If I was on vacation I would search for a scale or bring extra laxatives just in case I indulged in to many drinks or food-So stupid!

I hope that others out there don't take laxatives--Please stop-It is so unhealthy- I literally had the insides of a 90 year old-- No way to live- I want to help- Talk it out - Take it day by day! Each day is a success!!!

OSCAR NIGHT!!!! Sunday, February 22, 2009

So I am watching "E" with all the stars getting ready for the Oscars tonight!

I do love watching them and there fashion do's and don't's! My hubby thinks I watch too much of it and that I buy too many mags- He is right!! I am pretty sure that most women compare themselves to these super fab stars. Right!! Well we could all look like that if we had people cooking for us and training us-We will just have to do it ourselves!

No gym today- No scale today- I am a strong woman, I can handle this- I did do the elliptical for about 50 minutes. I visited with mom-in-law and aunt margaret! Nice visit -

Then my son wanted to watch a Bruce Willis police movie! He is 9 years old and decided on his career! He is such an awesome kid! When I want to fall off the laxative wagon I just look at those big brown eyes and just fall in love. He is just great!

Back to school in the morning for my li'l guy! I have a Dr appointment (My therapist) and then visit a sick friend-

Toodles

School Vacation is almost over!

I am still alive and kickin-Went to the gym today and went on the treadmill for 75 minutes- I usually do the highest incline at 4.3 it burns 1000 calories. I do this to keep myself in check as I don't want to go back to my awful ways! I came home and did 2.5 miles on the elliptical.

What I ate today- after the gym-coffee! then I had granola bar and cauliflower. I have eaten a whole friggin head of cauliflower in 2 days! I had a little chex mix, piece of cheese...Then I made a lil calzone with asparagus,cauliflowe,tomato,cheese.It was great---

The number on the scale is so hard for me-- It is funny my son has friends over today and one of the mom's she was talking about her scale and how she hates the number----Not ready to share the blog with people I actually know--

I have such a headache right now....Maybe I am allegic to cauliflower--I ate enough of it!

Ok- don't forget to send your stories on your struggle with the scale and we can smash together- Once I can get people to post I can post a National Smash your Scale Day- What fun!! Fun to take hammer or whatever and take out your aggression!

Till tomorrow!


public5:24 PM1 viewadd epropsadd commentsemailedit

Almost the weekend--

Yeah the weekend is almost here--Oh but wait I don't have a job! ha ha ha!
My son will be going back to school on Monday, he was home sick for almost a week and the Feb vacation- I will miss him being around!
I am just praying for this economy to jumpstart! Or hoping to win MegaMillions tonight!

Yesterday we stood along Rt 18 to pay respects to Cpl Kevin Preach who died Feb 7th
I was so proud of my town and the outcome of support! Mitchell was in the paper Sunday because they interviewed him about him paying respects and yesterday my dad was on the front page of the paper!

As for me- I went to the gym today and after all my exercising I just can't loose a couple lbs-Not that I need to but I just don't want to gain-- Anyway that SCALE is not coming back in my home! I wish I could have this blog seen by others and have them tell my stories and send in pictures of their smashed scales-Mine is coming soon!!

Tuesday-Scale is Gone Again!

So I think I said last night my hubby got rid of the scale again--
Today I met my friend from my old job for lunch-Panera Bread-they have the best black bean soup--
Anyway I told her what I have been going through-not in detail but enough-
Then I went to the gym-The scale still sucks but I do better without it-I think I am almost ready to smash it-I hate what it does to me-and that is make me crazy-

Tomorrow we will pay our respect to Cpl Kevin Preach (soldier who died as results of attack in Afganistan)then my son, his friend and my dad will go to lunch then I am taking the boys to see the Pink Panther II-
It should be a good day-
In a way I am thankful for this time out of work, I am rebuilding myself and my life!

A little hung over!

So yesterday I decided to tie one on- I think being worried about not working-the economy and being stuck in the house because Mitchell was sick-- We went out to eat and then home to watch the Daytona 500-Not that I care-My hubby's friend came over and we hung out -I regret drinking: One Paul still hasn't taken the scalle away so between drinking-eating etc... Crazy-
So I weighed myself before going out and I was like 129-130 -Today 135 I should just not drink! I exercise and work out hard and I feel like I just failed-
I keep telling hubby to get rid of it as I hate the scale it has proven to be a ugly frienemy!
New day tomorrow-Plus we bought a elliptical so that I won't freak when I can't go to the gym-$1000.00 but it wiill be good for both of us!!!!

Ok new day tomorrow -- I really need to stop eating SUGAR! Bad habit!!

Caved in!!

Well I just needed to weigh myself once with my scale-Like I said I didn't trust those gym scales- I guess I was happy! I mean according to home scale I was down a couple lbs-- Now I need him to hid again- He was very supportive though-That made me feel better-
I will go to the gym tomorrow and work hard because we are going to lunch & maybe drinks tomorrow. Daytona 500 tomorrow-Not that I care but Paul and my dad do!
I will go along with it-
Anyway gotta go----SO TIRED-My 13 year old dog is getting up to go out 2-3 times between 11PM and 6AM-


Oh year hubby wants to buy Elliptical--I don't want t o speand the $$ but......

Friday!

I feel like I am struggling a bit this week- Don't know why, maybe because my son has been sick all week! Been to the doctors 2X
I took 1 lax because I just felt so bloated! Stupid I know but I guess a lil help once in a while can not hurt-
Went to the gym today and just walked fast at a high incline-Tomorrow I want to run 5miles-
Tomorrow is Vaelentine's day. It will be interesting to see if hubby bought me a card-
I am just about to maake his fav cookied macroons! YUCK!
I made Choc Chippers yesterday and have had a few!

Anyway I am struggling with getting my scale back for one weigh in just to see what I weigh in comparison to the gym! I am afraid that it will be high and I will be depressed-
I will pass-

Tired!

So my son is still sick---- He has missed almost a week of school and now next week is Febuary vacation....
Oh well- Went to the gym-worked hard-
Still no scale! Having a rough week- No Job! No scale- Who is me!

Fat Girl, Skinny Girl!

So I am so sick of hearing about all the celebrities and how skinny or fat they are getting-- I only care about ME and what I weigh! Even my dad is saying how much weight Jessica Simpson has gained and I feel like screaming that is what he said about me when I was little- People just don't get it--
Anyway my son has been sick the last couple days-Just came back from the Doctor and after he was weighed I so wanted to jump on that scale since I don't have the scale at home and can not go to the gym until the morning-- Stupid- Can you imagine if I asked to weigh myself-Damn that would be desperate--
Anyway I told my husband that I want to weigh myself and he offered to get my scale. But I am now afraid to weigh myself --Will I trigger bad feelings-
I'll let you know how I make out-

1 month 1 Day

I forgot to mention that yesterday was 1 month mark of my bathroom scale seperation!
So Proud!

Bored!

So I missed the last couple days-Can't say I have been busy! but bored!
Yesterday went to the gym and then came home and laid down for about 2 hours.
I can not beleive I am not getting any hits on my resume! This economy bites!
I am thinking of another career! I wish as a kid i had more guidance and went to nursing school, at least I would have a job-
Still no scale in my bathroom-almost tempted to bring in just to weigh my once- Don't trust the gym scale--

A New Day!

I guess I feel a little better than yesterday-
Started at the gym- Yes I weighed myself! I liked what it said on one scale and did
not like the other- I left! Got ready for my niece's bday!
Came home and very shaky, Guess I did not eat enough for working out than 2 drinks-
So I had a a English muffin loaded with peanut butter and OJ- I feel allot better-

Tomorrow me and my buddy (son) will be going to his music schools recital--Then who knows!
We are just about done with his 1st science project-He picked Coyotes' -
Anyway- I got tix to the Ellen DeGeneres show for March 11th- Now I need to get $$ for plane-hotel-I really want to go--She cracks me up!
Til tomorrow!

I need a job!!!

I am so concerned about today's economy!
Unemployment rate is 7.5% CRAZY!!
I feel like I ate so much tonight- Greek salad-ice cream-chips-

Gym tomorrow- Thank God my scale is not in my bathroom or I would be a mess-
Gym tomorrow and then my 2 niece's bday party-

Moody Girl!

Ok So I am so freakin moody today! I went to a so called interview today for a job and it ended up being a informational about the company AFLAC--totally misled-
Then my hubby is more into playing video games than finding work or helping me with our son's homework. I even did lauundry-dishes-vacumn and dusting too-Or yeah and dinner!
I need a break! I am not even working and I need a break!
So no gym and no scale today because of the meeting which will go no where!
Maybe that is why I have some anxiety!

Day 31 without the scale!

Today I have been a mom for 9 years! I love that kid so much- I woke him up this morning exactly how my mom used to wake me up and tell the story of the day of his birth!
He seemed happy this morning going to school, I made cupcakes for his class and then Paul will take him to Gamestop then believe it or not he wants to go to the Chatta Box (Thai food) so that is what we will do. He is spoiled as he is a only child but such a good kid! I hope he always is and I just love to hear him say mom or mommy- I think as I get older and deeper into my recovery I am even more sentimental than ever. Maybe a appreciation for life!

I went to the gym for about 1 hour this morning. I need to take a day off a am a bit tired!! I think I willl take Thursday off! I have a job interview but it is more sales related than recruiting. I am only going because I am bored and it can't hurt to get some extra interviewing practice.

Making Progress

So it has been a couple days! I have been so busy with the festivities of my son Mitchell's birthday! He is 9 tomorrow but we had party Friday and then Sunday which was followed by a Super Bowl party! I survived it all without my scale and I even ate and drank! I must say it was more relaxing to NOT have the scale and keep checking my weight after every drink or morsel of food. I told myself that I need to enjoy myself, to not have to many drinks as that is a trigger for me, and to realize that tomorrow is another day-I am so happy at my progress. Now I know that there are so many people out there that struggle every day with the scale- I mean I still weigh myself at the gym- The scale is a trigger too-It has always told me if I am good enough or not! Stupid huh! I really believe that my life has purpose, maybe not having a job is a sign for better things to come- I am a strong woman who has been so tired and sick of being sick!!!
When I think back to all the years of anorexia (the early years!) then moved to laxatives-Great advice from a so called friend! I wasted years! But you know I am going to be 39 this year and maybe these will be the best years of my life, I mean how can they not be I have come so far-
I have lived by my "bathroom scale for 20 years" and lived on laxatives and dehydrated myself and have come close to death-Death -there is no looking back to that!
I still have little slips--I now know it his anxiety issue and I will addressing that! A slip now means 1 pill-- I used to take up to 40 a day! How did I even have time to get married-have a baby and have a lot of friends! Crazy-It is not a way to live- I am so done being sick, feeling dizzy,and stomach pains-
You know my husband who NEVER gets sick was sick for 2 weeks! I never got sick- I feel really good!
I know that this stems from my youth- I always felt so sad for my mom, she was so sick growing up and I had to hold down the fort as a little girl- She was awesome- so much loves- I cry right now knowing that she would be so proud of me-- When I struggle I picture my mom sitting down with a big smile and pumping her fists up and down like you get em girl!
I want to make a difference-maybe I could win the lottery and go back to school to council others. I would love to just be a support to anyone that struggles with the lifelong disease and give big hugs--Is that a job-Giving hugs and let people cry on my shoulder! That would be the ultimate-
So I continue to write to myself- Ban the Scale dam it!!!!!! If someone who struggles sees this let's pick a day and smash our scales and be free!

Till tomorrow! Making cupcakes for Mitchell's class!