Life Can be Good --Right

Woke up this morning and I knew I was in for a tough day! My dad, my hubby and my sister-in-law's mother's husband were going golfing-- I offered to stay with my sister in law's mom who has Cancer and has weeks to live. It was a hard day, alot of crying- you see she feels no pain but she is dying- I mean should she be grateful that she has no pain! Or does it just make it more difficult to understand that she is dying...

She is very confused and sleepy and is so sad to be leaving her grandchildren 4 of them all under 5- it is just heartbreaking. Like I have said before I have been there, sitting with my mom while she lay in bed waiting for the Lord to take her away-

Things like this really make me want to fight this eating disorder which I am doing ok with- No laxatives although I saw a bottle of milk of mag and thought of taking a swig-Now that is the anxiety talking! Why hurt myself when I see what is going on to the others around me-

On another note -- I am picking up more milage running-training for another 1/2 marathon- I want to beat last years time-

Still can not find a job-this really stinks- I used to make great $$$ and could shop every once in a while ---I did go shopping the other day for a couple work out shirts-Whoa hooo-- I do realize that I am lucky-healthy hubby-son-roof over our head-food in the fridge and still have my old smelly 12 year old lab! Life can be good-

What would I do if given death date?

Ok- So still no job and I have so much anxiety today-Or maybe I am just dehydrated ---I have been working out alot-boredom and to reduce stress -

Did some errands with hubby and then gym and went to pick up my son at school-

We passed Nancy's house (she is the one ith Cancer) My son said he would stop by which was so sweet-My sister-in-laws car was there so I called and they were having a bad day! So we went home. My dad came over and talked to him a liitle about how it is bringing back memories of my mom and that I feel like I have paputations--Nerves- I got the same way with my mom!

I couldn't sleep last night, I wonder if she could knowing that she will not be here much longer and to take each minute--I just think she is overwhemed with everything and just so sad and depressed- I am sure we would all like to go in our sleep to spare the pain..but my mom gave the greatest gift I could ever ask- About 10 months before she died I sat down with her and she told me what to write in letters to the people she cared about including me- It was so diifficult but so beautiful-She loved me so much and I will always have that-I do wish that I could see her and hug her I miss her but she was so sick and in pain and I know that she is in a better place, I feel her presennce here and there- From when I was little she would say I might not be able to walk now but when I get to heaven I will dance! When she died the song " I hope you dance" was popular ---I incorporated that into the eulogy I wrote-

What would I do if I knew I did not have along time--

I would also write letters to those I love- Sometimes I catch myself just staring at my husband and or son and just capture those moments! Loving-silly moments and I hope that If I were sick I would think about these moments and just feel happy that I had such great moments in my life- Maybe easier said than done--

Cancer-Why is it everywhere??

So I went to my nephew's 5th birthday party yesterday and I hate to say it but drink were a must- You see my brother's mother-in-law who we all love has weeks maybe a bit more because of friggin Cancer-Why are so many people dying from cancer, it is just so unfair- My mom died of MS-It was a slow death, she had the disease for 30 years and got worse and worse each year- Cancer though seems to really creep up on people. She was going to retire and travel the country and then Cancer- It makes me so mad- So we had some drinks-- I even made one for her! Kahlua and milk-It was sad, no it was just devestating to think that she will never see Joseph's birthday again or any of her other grandchildren-

I hate to say it but I am so afraid to ever be that sick- I have one child and I just can not imagine leaving him-Or to have him go through a parent being sick like I did-I mean it did on one hand make me a better person and on the other screwed me up a bit. As I conquer this eating disorder it really makes me what to be healthy then ever why make my self sick--I need to live a heathy and full life- Work in progress-

Still no job but hubby is doing good-

Say your prayers and live life to the fullest that is all I can say!

I ran 9 miles today!!!

So I went to the gym today--I kind of was thinking that I would run maybe 5-6 miles--Well if you run you know it gets addictive-At 3 miles I was thinking this stinks "not really feeling it today" but then the rush came in and got to 4 then to 5
and then 6-- I was almost thinking let's go 10 but I do have arthritis in my right knee and the weather is getting nicer and don't want to risk getting hurt early.

I want to run the "Race to the Rock" again this year-Half Marathon and I want to take 10 minutes off my time-Can you believe I almost died 2 yrs ago because of being unhealthy-and know I am the best I have been- Still a workk in progress but I am getting there- I had the blood work of a 90 year old and I am now living!

I even have my husband starting to eat healthy and exercise-(he is up to 20 minutes on the elliptical) he is not in bad shape--
Later

St Patty's day!

Wow I can not believe it has been 5 days since I have written-- I would say sorry but nobody cares but me-

Anyway I have not had any slips (laxatives) I am very proud of myself-I have been running more and feeling good- I did ask my hubby for the friggin scale to compare to the gym-Stupid I know but that is what I do-

I still can not find a job- this sucks and we just had our taxes looked at and we are going to owe like 5K- Not fair we made good $$ last year but this is crazy we need to find a good accountant --

I could go on and on about how unfair but I will just get aggravated-

If anyone reads this please say a prayer for all those with cancer- I am loosing a friend and it sucks-I lost my mom because of MS and diseases are so unfair --

Well tomorrow is another day!!

I am still here-

So lots of struggles and ups and downs this week--

I have to talk my self out of falling back into laxatives so many times but I did it- I must have retained water so that I looked like I gained 5lbs but that has come and gone-I also found out that a friend-Mybrother's mom-law has been told by her dr to stop chemo and only has weeks to live- This is just awful- What do you do with weeks to live. My mom was sick her whole life and I felt like I was preparing for her death for 20 years but this is shocking-

She likes me to visit at least once a week and I keep thinking that I may only see this person a handful of times- Very depressing-

Still no job --

trying to spend more time with friends-They keep me in check-

Spring in Boston!!!

I saw this quote today and really like it!(at bottom) For so long I took for granted for what I have. I was just so concerned about the number on the scale- This whole getting cured from a eating disorder is taking along time but it is getting there. I wish I could win the lottery and go bck to school to help others or speak at JR High and High School about eating disorders! But for now I will concentrate on me and my great family!!
I have not taken any laxatives in a while just the fibercon that my Dr said I could take, eventually I want to do away with that too-If I can... I have so many years of abuse that I wonder my insides are like.
Anyway I did go to the dermatologist the other day and got clean bill of health-He did take one lil thing off to biopsy but pretty sure it is nothing!



Well back to Spring in Boston! It was 60 degrees today! I even ran 4 miles outside- I felt great-

last time weighed myself at gym I thought I should be less because being out of work all I do is exercise! but maybe I do not eat enough to burn! thoughts!

today I ate --

broccoli-garlic-pepper pizza-homade 2 slices-

vegies and coffee and some ceral in the morning- I know it is not much! what the heck- I have been drinking alot and sugar free popsicles too- Yummy!

The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.

Harold B. Lee (1899 - 1973)

Is Fibercon Safe?

I woke up feeling optimistic--- I just wanted someone to call me back about a job and while I was at the gym someone did but she said the job was posted to internal candidates right now but she loved my energy etc-- So I am hopeful

Did some research about taking fibercon everyday- The reg doctor said it was ok-But then I woke up all worried- that is what I do worry- As long as I do not take stimulany laxatives I will be ok- Still a strugle and yes I looked for the scale today but did not panic when I could not find it! Anyway the census is that it ok to take- I have such a fear of what inside damage I have done to my body through the years of eating disorder abuse!
I must stay strong!
Till tomorrow!

I am having a meltdown!

Ok so I just had a meltdown and for the 1st time it is not because of my weight or food or laxatives!

I have officially been out of work for 3 months! I am sick- I actually cried! Why can I not get a job or a company to call me back- I am completely qualified, I love to work and last year made 100K now nothing! UGGG!!!! But I do have a great family and my son loves having me home-But I need to work. I am once again grateful that I have had this time to really work on recovery from my eating disorder- I am 80% there but I can not just eat-exercise and clean every day! I will go crazy- Any body going through the same thing!

I have to stay strong because this kind of thing will stress me out and make me relapse and that is NOT an option!